Little People, Big Conversations

OCOF Blog
Written By Kait Fedro

Talking with Young Children About Grown-Up Topics

“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” may have been a frequently heard phrase for many of us growing up. It may even be the way that we answer our young children’s hard questions about the world as parents and caregivers now. It can be difficult to navigate conversations about grown-up topics with the young people in our lives—most of us have not been taught how to have developmentally-appropriate, connected conversations with very young children about the hard or complex things happening in our families or in our community. Even so, having meaningful, connected, open, and safe conversations about hard things.

 

How to know it’s time to talk?

One of the biggest challenges in talking with young children about grown-up topics is knowing when it’s time to talk. There is no perfect way to answer this question, but there are several factors to consider that may indicate that it’s time to have a conversation with your little one.

  • Your child is asking questions. If your child is starting to ask questions about a family change or something they’re seeing happen around them, it’s likely time to have a conversation. If they are “old enough” to be asking the questions, they are typically “old enough” for an honest (but developmentally-appropriate) answer from a trusted adult.

  • Your child is processing things through play. If you are noticing your child acting out scenarios or processing hard topics through play, this is another indicator that it’s time to start talking with them more about the topic at hand. Play is the most important “work” for a young child—it’s how they learn, grow, and develop an understanding of their world. If grown-up topics are coming up in their play, it likely means they’re thinking a lot about what they’re seeing and hearing around them.

  • Your child’s behavior has changed. If you’re noticing a shift in your child’s behavior or habits, even if they aren’t asking questions or processing through play, this could indicate they’re working through their thoughts and feelings about the things going on around them. Behavior is communication, just like words. Shifts in your child’s behavior—acting out, changes in sleep or eating, etc.—may be an indication that it’s time to start talking.

  • Big transitions are coming. If you know that big transitions are on the horizon, talking with your child before the changes occur can help to prepare them for what’s coming and give them the words they need to ask questions or talk with you about their feelings and experiences once the transition happens. If there’s a family or community change coming up that your child is likely to notice, it’s probably a good idea to talk with them about it in advance!

  • Your parent/caregiver “gut” is telling you it’s time. Trusting our own intuition as parents and caregivers can be challenging. Often, we are taught that making choices based on logic is wiser than acting on our gut feelings. However, our intuition is often very attuned to the things going on around us, and our brains pick up on cues that we may not be fully aware of. If your parent/caregiver gut is telling you it’s time to talk with your child about a particular topic, pay attention and consider how you may want to bring it up.

 

Connected Communication

Even more important than the words you use when you have hard conversations with your young child is how the conversation makes them feel. Having connected and safe communication with your child is always important, and especially so when the topics may be complex, confusing, or difficult for you to talk about yourself. Below are some strategies and tips for ensuring your talks with your young child are connection focused.

  • Choose a good time and place. When you’re ready to talk with your young child about grown-up topics, take time to plan for when and where you’ll have the conversation. Choose a time when you and your child are both rested, calm, and able to focus. Consider the times of day that you and your child are both the most regulated—after a snack or rest time may be good choices. Talk with your child in a space that feels safe, calm, and private.

  • Focus on connection. You know your child best—think of the things that help them feel connected. If your child likes physical touch, consider talking with them while cuddling. If your child connects best through play, talk with them during a quiet play time together. Provide reassurance that you love them and are available to provide support and answer questions.

  • Have conversations a little bit at a time. It’s unrealistic for most young children to sit still and focus on a complex conversation for more than a few minutes. A good rule of thumb is to add one to your child’s age in years and limit conversations to that number of minutes. For example, if your child is three, they are likely to be able to focus on a talk for four minutes at most. Have conversations a little bit at a time to ensure your child is able to focus and has time to process in between talks.

  • Incorporate books. It can be really, really hard to bring up grown-up topics with our young children. Checking out children’s books on these subjects and reading them together with your young child can be a great way to get conversations started. It also allows you to incorporate conversations into existing routines, such as reading before bedtime. Suggestions for books on a variety of hard topics is included at the end of this blog.

  • Read your child’s cues. If your child is showing signs of discomfort or distress, such as becoming quiet, withdrawing, or becoming tearful or angry, take a break. Pay attention to your child’s cues—and your own emotions—and pause the conversation when needed. If you do need to take a break, take a few minutes to reassure, reconnect, and co-regulate with your child. Remind them that you love them and let them know you will be able to talk more about this when everyone feels more ready!

  • Lean on your “village”. It takes a whole lot of grown ups to raise a child. Think of all of the other safe adults in your child’s life who may be resources or supports for them—and you—as you have these hard conversations with your young child. Teachers, babysitters, medical providers, family, friends, or clergy—any grown-ups who regularly interact with your child. Consider talking with these significant adults about the conversations you and your child are having and sharing with them how you’d like for them to handle your child’s questions about the topic if they come up. These other adults can be strong partners with you in supporting your child through the things they are experiencing!

  • Ask for help. If having these conversations is particularly challenging, or you’re noticing significant or concerning changes in your child’s behavior or functioning, ask for help from a professional. Talk with your child’s teacher or doctor, or reach out to a behavioral health professional with questions or for support. You don’t have to navigate this all on your own!

 

Just Do Your Best

No parent or caregiver is perfect. Sometimes, we miss opportunities to have connected, developmentally-appropriate conversations with our children. Sometimes we look back on a talk and wish we had said or done things differently. Our children don’t require perfection from us—they require safety and connection. Focusing on maintaining a positive relationship with our young children through all of the ups and downs is what matters the most. Being willing to talk with our young children about grown-up topics helps to build trust, connection, and safety and makes our little ones more likely to come to us throughout their lives when they experience hard or confusing things.

 

More Resources

From books and blogs to podcasts and free printables, we hope that these resources support you as you talk with and support your child through the hard things in life.

Books

Online Resources

Kait Fedro

Kaitlin “Kait” Fedro is the System of Care Coordinator with Our Community Our Future, where she develops resources, programming, and collaborative tools to strengthen supports for youth and families across the Heart of Texas region. Her passion for this work is deeply rooted in her lived experience with a mental health disorder that began in early adolescence, her role as a mother to a young, neurodivergent child, and her background as an early childhood development professional. Outside of work, Kait enjoys reading with an extra-large cup of coffee and visiting favorite community spots with her family.

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